The New York Mets have completely changed the look of the front office and have hired multiple people this winter. Let’s look at some off-the-wall ideas to add into the mix.
The New York Mets have just hired ESPN broadcaster and former softball gold medalist, Jessica Mendoza, as a baseball operations advisor to the club. Also, Jose Canseco won’t stop begging Tim Tebow to change his swing. This has led us to wonder what interesting staff hires the Mets could make to improve their team.
Perhaps some former big leaguers could turn things around for the Mets organization and build Brodie Van Wagenen’s “winning culture”. Here are some ideas:
Rickey Henderson– PR representative
Imagine Rickey Henderson maintaining a positive image for the Mets while doing it all in the third person. “Rickey would like to make a statement”. “Rickey knows you’re upset”. “Trust this organization. Trust Rickey.”
Bartolo Colon– Team mascot
Bartolo Colon, as is. He will be required to dance on top of the dugout, race fans around the bases, and fight the Phillie Phanatic as part of his contract. Colon is still a free agent after all. Do you think he would take the job?
Pete Rose– Team barber
I want everyone on the Mets to look like a member of the Beatles. Let’s make that happen. Pete Rose may not be in the Hall of Fame, but he may be just what this team is lacking in style.
Tim Lincecum– Meditation leader
Need to chill out? Join Tim Lincecum for pregame and postgame meditation sessions. And, don’t forget to sign up for his meditation retreat to the Poconos during the all-star break.
Brian Wilson– Image consultant
Not the Beach Boy, but the world champion closer. Perhaps some members of the Mets could take tips from Brian Wilson in order to intimidate their opponents more. Picture the Amazins’ coming out of the dugout with partially unbuttoned jerseys, tight pants, mohawks, pirate beards, and tattoos.
Hunter Pence– Team dietician
Hunter Pence uses a paleolithic diet to keep himself in shape so that he can be the best caveman possible. The Mets will eat nothing but wild berries, nuts, roots, and venison in order to sustain themselves throughout the season. In addition, Pence will teach a rudimentary class in the fall called “Hunting and Gathering 101”. All are encouraged to attend.
Dwight Gooden– Team doctor
Doc Gooden isn’t an actual doctor. He’s just called one on TV. With the number of injuries the Mets seem to face year after year, he’d have his work cut out for him.
Munenori Kawasaki– Spokesperson
Munenori Kawasaki has been out of the majors since 2016, but still has one of the greatest personalities in baseball. It would be hard for me to get frustrated with the Mets if this cut-up was always speaking on their behalf.
R.A. Dickey– Team psychiatrist
R.A. Dickey wants everyone to know that his office is a safe space. No one understands what you are going through more than Dickey. He can’t actually prescribe any medicine, but he’ll be the friend each Mets player needs over the grueling 162 game season. Had a bad start? Talk to Dickey. Blew a save? Talk to Dickey. Made an error? Talk to Dickey. His door is always open and you are the most important thing to him.
Dallas Braden– Grounds crew
Mets pitchers can confidently take the mound each inning knowing that Dallas Braden has tirelessly ensured its complete and utter perfection. Say goodbye to divots and say hello to perfect dirt distribution.
Frank Thomas– Strength coach
Frank Thomas lifts things up and puts them down better than anyone. I like to imagine the Big Hurt taking the Mets under his wing a creating a team of Little Hurts. Maybe we’ll see some more home runs from the Mets with him as a trainer.
Roger Clemens– Team pharmacist
Bill Lee– Yoga instructor
Bill “Spaceman” Lee will hold a mandatory yoga session each morning. Under Lee’s guidance and expertise, the Mets will experience a significant decrease in injuries and an uptick in good vibes.
Wade Boggs– Team chef
Jacob deGrom: What’s on the menu today, Mr. Boggs?
Wade Boggs: Chicken.
deGrom: How about tomorrow?
deGrom: And the day after that?
Boggs: Just kidding. It’s chicken.
Cal Ripken Jr.– Conditioning coach
Mets’ players will never miss a game again under Cal Ripken Jr.’s regime. If Brodie Van Wagenen wants to eliminate the “ifs”, he’ll add Iron Man to the staff.
Nolan Ryan– Security
Oh no, it appears a crazed fan is charging the field right at Jacob deGrom. Mets fans cringe at the thought of their best player being attacked by some lunatic. Wait, what’s that in the distance? The silhouette of Nolan Ryan in a cowboy hat riding a stallion appears against the backdrop of a sunset. Johnny Cash plays on the stadium speakers while Ryan lassoes the troublemaker and drags him off the field. All in a day’s work for the Ryan Express.
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I suspect hiring all of these guys will be enough for a World Series championship.