Rising Apple Top Ten: Come for the Attractions, Stay for More Attractions

By Will DeBoer

Ladies and gentlemen, here is today’s Top Ten list!

Today’s category: Top Ten New Additions to Marlins Park

Apr 26, 2013; Miami, FL, USA; Chicago Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo (44) rounds the bases after hitting a two run home run in the third inning against the Miami Marlins at Marlins Park. The Cubs won 4-2. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

The Mets are in Miami the early part of this week, and of course we all know how the Marlins dismantled their high-priced last-place team of a year ago in exchange for this year’s sensibly-priced last-place team. Now this is very interesting: with all the money he saved on a baseball team this season, Miami czar Jeffrey Loria was able to install a plethora of new features for his expensive new ballpark, guaranteeing that the nine people who actually come to Marlins Park will have plenty of things to do to distract them from the very reason they came to the ballpark. They’ve got a funny way of doing things down in Miami, don’t they?

Top Ten New Additions to Marlins Park

10. Display case with Jose Reyes’s dreadlocks

9. A focus group to find other retractable things

8. A second nightclub – “The Poughkeepsier”

7. The whole thing is a nightclub now

6. Better baseball games, such as the higher quality Florida State League

5. Free onion rings for everyone!

4. Secret breading fees on everyone’s free onion rings

3. A kitschy sculpture that activates with every single

2. Every 4th inning the scoreboard flashes a new apology to Giancarlo Stanton

1. Strippers for the foul poles – Welcome to Miami!

Been to Marlins Park lately and have even more features to report? The comment section is yours.

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