Ladies and gentlemen, here’s this week’s Top Ten list.
This Week’s Category: Top Ten Questions on the Mets’ Closer Application
Earlier this month you had Frank Francisco, the closest thing the Mets had to a closer last year, go down with some elbow soreness. Now, he expects to be back in time for Opening Day, but if he doesn’t make it, duties will most likely fall to Bobby Parnell, who’s shown flashes of greatness but has been inconsistent in the 9th-inning role. If Parnell doesn’t work out, you would almost think that Terry Collins would hold open auditions for the closer role. So here now are a few questions you may find on the application for that role. So here we go:
Top Ten Questions on the Mets’ Closer Application
10. I’m sorry, who are you?
9. Do you love the smell of rosin for the morning?
8. Is either your first name or last name any possible derivative of “Frank”?
7. Seriously, who the hell are you?
6. Do you get aroused by pitching coach Dan Warthen?
5. If the No. 7 train were pulling into Willets Point at 6:45 p.m., and a Delta Flight taking off from Kennedy Airport landed at LaGuardia Airport at 7:03 p.m., where would be the best place to get Spanish food at 2:30 in the morning?
4. When people ask what’s your ERA, do you say, “I’ve always envisioned myself in the Pleistocene”?
3. When you pitch, will you feel as if you’ve knelt in front of a faith healer, or dipped yourself in magic waters where a saint once rose like a serpent and cast benedictions to the wind like peach petals…or do just like throwing shiny white balls?
2. Are you embarrassed to be constantly staring into another man’s crotch?
1. When Jesse Orosco’s glove finally falls, will you catch it?
Is your wife in any way related to Anna Benson?
When you hear the word “rubber” do you think that slab on the mound?
Do you get nosebleeds at high altitudes, such as the pitcher’s mound?
Do you believe losing builds character?
Can you throw farther than you can spit?
A) When growing up, did you idolize Craig Anderson? B) Just how old are you?
When your infielders converge on the mound, do you say, “Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!”?
We’re always looking for new topics, so if you think of something that would make a good list, post it in the comments section. Maybe you’ll see it next week on the next Rising Apple Top Ten.